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BeerAwesome has an Imaginary Girlfriend! And an IPA!

20150822_001214 Lost Rhino
My Imaginary Girlfriend IPA
6.1 % 22OZ Bomber

MIG Pours hazy golden color, sweet smell, very pleasant hop aroma. It can, however, do a 4G negative dive.

Hops – 7 I KNOW. It has hop aroma and bitterness and character but there’s nothing special about it. However, it is decently bitter without being overwhelming.
Malts – 3 They’re kinda there to give it a little sweetness, but that’s all you get here.
Carbonation – 6 It’s a little bubbly but nothing unpleasant.
Character – 5 The hops in it are decent enough, and I like that it is btiter without blowing my tongue to bits, but there needs to be…something. Anything. More alcohol, some better fruity esters, maybe a different yeast.
Palate – 7.5 It’s not that this is bad, because it’s not. It’s a pleasant experience and everything goes together well to make an overall blase beer.
Overall – 7 It’s not bad, it’s not amazing. It won’t get you hammered but it is expensive. It won’t offend or amaze, but the label is fantastic. A+.

The first thing that strikes me with this beer is the label. The actual sticker label on here is really high quality. It’s more like a vinyl or plastic than the paper you usually get. You definitely can’t tear this apart and shove the little shreds back into the bottle in some sort of cannabalistic anxious ritual. And then there’s the beer. It’s really not bad, but at 6% it had better be unbelievably smooth, or very distinct and it’s not. It has the “Lost Rhino” taste to it, and I fear that it’s basically another LR recipe without as much malt in it or something. Like someone made an OOPS batch of their Pale Ale and was left with the moral quandary of “What do we do with a beer that isn’t bad enough to scrap?” Do we sell it? What do we call it? What’s the drawing point here? Fred, you have any input? Of course you don’t, you’re the IT guy. The appeal of this beer is as imaginary as your girlfriend. HOLY SHIT THAT’S IT! FRED WE LOVE YOU, YOU UNWASHED MISERABLE BASTARD! Now please pick up your dice and dust the cheetoh crumbs off your desk, we don’t need you any more. Maybe take a shower and sign up for Tinder.

BeerAwesome reviews Alewerks Bourbon Barrel Porter!

Alewerks Brewing Co. Bourbon Barrel Porter
22oz Bomber, 9%

Pours dark with a small tan head. Immediate wood smell with dark, roasty malts, yeast, some booze and a dark fruity character. You immediately know you’re in for a ride.

Hops – 2.5 There’s a slight bitterness but not any hop characteristics. This one’s all about dark, roasty, oak-aged goodness.
Malts – 9.4 THATS WHAT BOURBON BARREL PORTER DOES! Comin in hot, this is not for hop heads. I’ll spare the metaphors and similes for now. So malts, yes. They’re here, there and everywhere. And they’re delicious.
Carbonation – 4 It *can* pour a decent head, but it doesn’t feel like Sprite in your mouth.
Character – 9 The malts are abundant, roasty and delicious playing gratuitious host to the welcome guests of fruity flavors, oak barrel finish and slight alcohol.
Palate – 9.2 It’s good. Everything here is working in /s tandem /s unison to create a really nice, dark roasty experience. Trade in your cup of joe for some molasses, booze and oak.
Overall – 9.4 On the other end of the spectrum from the cool “lets you drive his sports car” trendy DIPA uncle is the “gets you hammered from his personal flask at a very young age and is acceptably racist” Bourbon Barrel Porter Grandpa. You wanna sit down with this one and hear its stories, not take it on a night out. Maybe it could use a vanilla finish or a peppery spice to claw its way to those final points but this is a great porter. Much like your favorite show on Netflix, don’t rush your way through this one because the journey is the destination. Enjoy the ride.

Travel pun #48702 goes here.

BeerAwesome takes a coffee (stout) break. Schlafly Coffee Stout

Schlafly Coffee Stout
The Saint Louis Brewery 5.7%

Pours black-hole dark with a generous, almost tan head.
You immediately smell the inside of a small coffee shop. Java, java, java. 2015-02-05 00.13.27

When you taste it, you get a nice bitterness from the stout itself and then a tidal wave of that sweet nectar that heralds in every morning. Coffee. Not even burnt starbucks, either. This is good quality beans sensually massaging each taste bud into a state of compliance. The only way you’re sure it’s not actually coffee in a bottle is that it’s from the great folks at Saint Louis Brewery, and the slightly watery beer-y character. There’s no alcohol, no hops, no yeasty smells or tastes. It’s just a cold 12oz serving of delicious refreshment. If you’re a huge coffee fan (beanhead? There’s no way that’s what you call yourselves) and you needed to have one breakfast until the end of time, go buy ALL of the stock of Schlafly Coffee Stout. Right now.

Hops – 1 There have to be some in there somewhere. But they’re not noticeable and they’re not necessary.
Malts – 4.5 Actually for a stout, it’s more coffee than malts. They’re there, sure, but this isn’t an RIS or a Milk Stout. This is coffee with some beer in it.
Carbonation – 6.5 It compliments the coffee really well. You’re not here for bold malty, yeasty complexity. You’re here to enjoy coffee stout. Not stout with some coffee.
Character – 9 The label says COFFEE STOUT and that’s what you’re getting in spades. If you haven’t picked up on that already.
Palate – 9 I’m not sure what else I can say that I haven’t already. It’ll win a Slashie this year for best Coffee/Stout, and not the other way around.
Overall – 9 It’s simple, it’s delicious, and my coffee palate isn’t refined enough to thoroughly critique which beans they used. Buy it. Buy 12 of them. You’ll drink them.

BeerAwesome reviews Heady Topper

The Alchemist – Heady Topper DIPA 8%
Pint Can

The instructions on this can are absolutely foolproof: “DRINK FROM THE CAN!” So, I did. Opening the top releases an avalanche of delicious hops right into your nostrils. I can’t comment on how it pours, except into your mouth at a frighteningly easy rate. Make no mistakes, this isn’t out to convert those on the fence about big IPAs. This wants to tenderly pet your tastebuds to death in a Lenny-like fashion. This beer has multiple statements about how it’s best when fresh, and unfortunately I did let this one age a little while. If it’s even better than this when it’s young, I’m jealous of those who got to experience that.

Hops – 8 Yeah. They’re here. Bitter and floral and citrusy and delicious. It’s not like drinking a pine cone, but if you don’t like a bitter brew, stay away.
Malts – 4.5 They’re there in the fact that they do enough to keep some hops in check and to deliver a nice sweet note.
Carbonation – 5.5 It’s smooth and not too bubbly.
Character – 6.5 Look this is simple. A little sweet, and then a bunch of hops. You won’t catch any crazy fruit esters, some wild rare yeast, or delicate notes of whatever. This is a fantastically simple DIPA.
Palate – 9 I love hops, and this is great. There’s no booze taste to it, it’s not too carbonated, and if you like hops half as much, it’ll go down quickly. But not before you have enough time to check out flights to Vermont to score more of this delicious brew. Well done.

Necromangocon

B Nektar Necromangocon 2014-05-10 22.59.51 Honey wine
6%

…Wait, this isn’t a beer.

This honey wine (or mead) was purchased simply for the “Necronomicon” reference on the label. It pours a clear, pale color, with enough pepper on the nose to raise the dead. It’s very sweet, with the mango flavor being outshined by the mead itself and the black pepper.

Overall: 7.5
I would pair it with any black magic ceremonies or awakening the Old Ones. It’s too sweet and peppery for my own tastes.

Review – Abita Abbey Ale

Abita Abbey Ale (Dubbel) 8%
22oz bomber

Pours a dark, cloudy, ruddy color. Great head, smells just like a good Belgian Dubbel with some caramel on the nose as well. At first taste, you get caramel, sweet maltiness, fruity esters, with that candy-banana sweetness that people associate with the Belgian ales and yeasts.
Hops – 4.5 There’s not much there, maybe just to balance some malts
Malts – 7.5 They’re not the only thing here, but they are here in force. Tastes sweet, caramel, roasty and delicious.
Carbonation – 6.5 There was a great head with decent lacing, holding it in the mouth you can tell there’s some carbonation.
Character – 7 There’s malts and fruity sweetness, but I’d personally like to have more pronounced “belgian” quality to the taste. However, what’s still there is good.
Palate – 8 The big malty taste goes well with the Belgian fruity, yeasty tastes and comes together to make a very good, very malty beer.
Overall – 8.2 It’s got malts aplenty, but I would personally like to see a little more fruity belgian taste in it. However, it’s not my beer and the fine folks at Abita set out to make a “Malt bomb” fused with a good Dubbel, and they’ve done just that.