You know these. They’re cold, yellow, cheap, readily available and that’s about all the nice stuff you can say. Macro beers, adjuncts, college beer, lawn beer. They have more nicknames than kids can think of a way to chug them but they’re here. You may notice a glaring omission or two but those are planned.
How it works:
I was joined by my friends and rock band Goliathies Josh and Tuomas from Burn The Ballroom. The test was conducted blind, where we would sample the given beer from a cup, rate it and try to guess which one it was. Originally, the plan was to only guess each one once, but as it turned from fun experiment to painful science, we became less precise. So without having to suffer for yourself, here are our results!
Elephant in the room: We didn’t have PBR. But they don’t just hand out blue ribbons, that would be unfair.
Nearing the end, we gave up on the rules, gave up on all hope to ever taste anything nice ever again, and really phoned it in. Surprisingly, the only unanimous vote was for Steel Reserve, and I think anyone growing up drinking it can conjure up that nightmare flavor immediately. Of the actual beers, the only other correct guesses were Budweiser (Curry) and Miller (Tuomas). The fruit beer/malt drink round was easy but really scorched our taste buds and by the end of that, we were beaten down.
What did we learn?
THEY ARE BASICALLY THE SAME. And that Mango is the king of the Rita. So when you’re debating over the next Coors, Miller, etc. Don’t bother, close your eyes, and grab the coldest one. You can tell people it’s whatever they really wanted, and you’ll get the fun satisfaction of knowing it’s not. Also, don’t blast your mouth with back to back Rita drinks and expect to maintain a decent palate, it’s just not possible.
There you have it, we suffered so you wouldn’t have to. The results are inconclusive at best, and really just drink whatever you have. They’re all the same, they’re all bad, and they’re all cheap.